Full Circle

It's a momentous hour (at least for myself and the Freets of course), for I have just written the section concerning the completion of the first CMD (aka Clear Mind Devices). Why is this a momentous hour? Not only is it the device intended to give the Freets the upperhand in their rebellious war, but this is the very event I began with five years ago when I first started writing WMRR back in my high school days. Man have I come a long way. I pulled up the first chapter I ever wrote in the development of WMRR, and it's aweful. My writing and story-telling has improved and I finally have a way to show it. So, as a special treat for my non-existant viewers (apologies to any that actually DO keep up with this blog), I have decided to post segments from both versions. Enjoy!

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Current Version (largely unedited since I JUST finished it):

Ash slipped into the circle and watched as the small, metallic rectangle made its way slowly towards him. Jennifer was the last to look it over when she handed it to Ash. She placed it in his open hand, face was almost reverent. He was shocked at how light it was. He turned the thumb-sized box in his hands, examining the display on the front and the chip with two tiny prongs at the back. He passed it back to Jennifer. She turned it over and activated it. The device made no noise as it glowed with life.

“There you have it ladies and gents,” she said, holding it out for everyone to see. “Light-weight, flexible and virtually undetectable. Three years of research and development and we finally have the final element to win this war. This will give us the protection we need against Popular power. Once we beta test the prototype, we'll have everything we need to make our move this fall.”

“Speaking of beta testing,” Ash started as he spotted Dedrad out of the corner of his eye, “I have clearance to take the CMD on the next mission to see how it performs.”

“Really,” said Jennifer, who didn't look all that surprised.

“For once I'm not messing with you,” he said, holding out the memo for her to read.

She gave the device to Joey, who nodded and eyed Ash with the same disgusted look. She scanned the memo and nodded, passing it back to Ash.

“Well I suppose you'll need to know how to use it then. Honey, could you get the headband for me?” she asked, turning to Joey.

The rest of the research team dispersed to celebrate in another room with whatever wine stores they could dig up. Dedrad joined Ash and Jennifer, picking up the device and examining it himself. He smiled as he ran a finger over the top of it.

“Did you talk to Poten?” asked Ash under his breath to Dedrad.

“No, but he wants to see us in an hour. We're supposed to bring the device. He wants to see it.”

“But you talked to Grypt?”

“Yes. He was with Dan, knee-deep in machine parts downstairs.”

“Have you seen Myra?”

“No, I have no idea where she is.”

Ash just nodded as Joey returned with the headband. Jennifer attached the CMD to the side of the plaint, black band. She handed it to Ash, who tested the band's elasticity in his hands.

“Basically all you need to do is place the band around your head with the device sitting in the centre at the back of your head. Once you have it in position, press the button on your right-hand side. It's marked red on there so you know which one.”

“Kind of hard to see the red when it's at the back of my head,” retorted Ash.

“Look before you put it on Ash,” she said, strain in her voice. “Once it's on, you'll be able to feel where to press. We've marked it quite well.”

Jennifer sighed and reached over to sign a paper on Joey's clipboard. Ash pulled the band onto his head and adjusted the device until it was comfortably sitting where Jennifer indicated. Ash shook his head once or twice to ensure the band was secure. He didn't like the constriction. He felt like his head was in a vice.

“Pushing the button activates a connection apparatus with will connect the device to your nervous system. From there, you'll be able to tap into the machine's power,” Jennifer continued.

Ash reached behind his head and felt for the button on its side. He pressed it and felt a minor tingling sensation as the tiny prongs attached themselves to his skull. Ash moved his head around, but felt no tugging or pulling on the area. After allowing the device a moment to warm up, he felt a familiar feed of power surge through his body. It wasn't nearly as powerful as the coffee machine was, but he certainly felt a significant increase in mental and physical strength.

“Could we adapt this so I didn't have to wear a headband? I hate headbands.”

“Well that's too bad,” said Joey before Jennifer could answer. “It was made specially for use on the head. It's the most direct path for this type of energy application.”

“Really? Because I'm fairly positive that humans have nerves all over their body. Though I could be wrong.”

“They aren't adapted to work that way. There's no way to tap into the power. Maybe, within a few more months of research we can, but we don't have that much time on our hands. If you don't like it, don't use it. Just don't come crying to me when Laelaps turn your Mind into pudding.”

“Yeah, then it would leak out of the holes these things are going to be constantly punching in my head. I'm sure there's another way.”

“There's---”

“I know, I know. Lord love a duck, don't give yourself a hernia,” Ash snapped, deactivating the device before taking it off.

He ignored Joey's sputtering and held the CMD out for Jennifer, but she shook her head.

“You're beta testing; you hold onto it. Just don't lose it or break it, or I will kill you.”

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First version (edited many times believe it or not):

Four hours later the project was complete. Ash was incredibly tired after yelling non-stop, chucking clipboards at various people, and bringing about half the technicians in the room to tears. Supervising was hard work.
Jennifer presented the device they had worked so hard on, to Ash. He took it in his hands and studied it. It was small and compact, only being the size of his thumb. It did not look complicated or important, but it was the device that would give them a huge advantage in the war.

“I have to admit, I was worried when the first dozen tests or so went horribly wrong, but now…” Ash trailed off passing the device through his fingers.

“We’ve done some good work sir,” Jennifer pointed out.

“Indeed we have,” Ash agreed. “I would personally like to try our first working prototype. That way I can decide if there needs to be any adjustments from there.”

“I suppose that’ll be alright…”

“Of course it will.”

Ash slipped the device onto his head. The headband supporting it fit snug and secure over his thick, brown hair.

“Wonderful…it’s light-weight, flexible, and if we turn it on,” Ash said activating the device, “it makes no noise and is virtually undetectable. Of course we’ll have to remodel it so that we don’t need the headband. I hate headbands.”

“Whatever you say sir, but for now it’ll have to stay that way. Once we move past the prototype stage, we’ll be able to make modifications.”

“Very well, but I still want to get rid of the headband.”

The technicians began to shut down their workstations and head for bed. It was two in the morning. Ash yawned and was about to head for bed himself when Dedrad walked in.

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Overall, Ash's character hasn't changed all that much. The events have largely since this is almost halfway through the novel rather than at the beginning. Jennifer and Joey are WAY more interesting, I use more sophisticated descriptions (though I still fail quite a bit in that department) and I've worked a lot harder on the little details. The writing still has a long way to go, but what makes me happy is I'm getting better. At least I think I am...God I hope so. I guess you can decide for yourselves.