Christmas

I must say it didn't feel like Christmas to me. Don't get me wrong, my day was wonderful, and relaxing. There's still something deeply unsettling, like the world's fraying a little at the edges. I just don't understand Christmas. I think I knew at one point, but I'm not sure anymore. I love to buy gifts for everyone and I got so see some special moments and had a good time with friends and family, but I don't know why we need a holiday to do it, and I don't know why we have to spend our life savings on stuff we really don't need.

That said, I'd be lying if I said presents and food and cookies and decorating trees and spending a whole day with family wasn't something I enjoyed.

I think this is why I have such a problem with it. Like so many other concepts, ideas and events, I can't decide what I believe overall. I might just be a little cynical and off from this term. It really did mess me up. I never want to go through that again. I have fears and thoughts I've never had before...which is tough to deal with. I have another possible huge blow coming my way and I know I won't survive that without some serious damage. My world is changing and with it, the way I see everything. Everything is a lot less real now, if that makes sense. I suppose that's why I've written so much in the past few weeks...and none of it related to WMRR.

Nearly 20,000 words in the span of about 14 days. It's taken me 5 years to write 60,000 words. It's so strange and yet, I think it's because I have no plans for this new project. True the writing is...lacking, but I'm exploring subjects I've never touched before. And I have tension!

If I've learned anything this past year...it's that nothing ever happens the way you want it to. I can't force my image of what I want the world to be on what it actually is. I still have a lot to figure out, but I think one of the keys is patience and compromise. I don't want to be angry anymore.

I have a lot of recording and writing to do. Maybe this year...WMRR will finally be complete (ha ha ha...right).

Sorry for the introspective journey. The ghost of Christmas fail visited me.