I don't take criticism very well. I take everything way too personally, which may be a product from my time on YouTube. I use it because it's one constant source that I can share my interests and communicate with people in ways I can't otherwise. I love to make videos, but the stress to constantly produce and deal with the people who insult and demean rather than give constructive pointers really gets to me. Makes me angry mostly, because these people have nothing of importance to say. It's a useless waste of letters, data and time. Lately I'm just crushed by the constant drivel I have to deal with and am seriously contemplating taking a break from video production. True, I get more positive feedback than negative, but I have other aspects like writing, friendships, job hunting, work and personal growth that I could be pouring this time and energy into instead of videos. I will finishing Dungeon Siege 2, because I hate unfinished business, but I can't say if I'll be immediately moving on to Broken World.
I want to be in a place where WMRR jumps to the top 5 priorities in my life. Since my last post I've only written about 300 words. I just can't find a pocket of time I can have to myself before 11pm at night, and by that time I'm too tired to do any work. This makes me extremely frustrated, because the same is true for recording. I need seclusion, time and silence for both activities, which I just don't have anymore. And this means absolutely NO interruptions. I want to finish WMRR. I want to finish it so bad so I can go back, edit and fix everything. There are so many glaring mistakes that just eats away at me, but I can't let myself go back and fix yet because I'll end up rewriting the entire work again.
My goal then is to have WMRR done in rough draft by the end of this year. I have made goals like this before, but I need to seriously work at it like I did a few years ago when I wanted to enter that contest. I want this story finished, even if it never sees publication, I want to know that I can complete a work as large as WMRR. So as a fair warning, I may be making a lot of changes to my goals and priorities in the next while. You have been warned.
I'm resisting the urge to put a smiley face on the end of that last sentence.
I knew what I wanted out of life when I picked up modding in 1999. But, then, I didn't know what the price of my way of life would be. This was a price I had already paid before I had even committed to this, though. Simple because of what I am, who I am, the circumstances I was born into, this is what I've got and that's all there is to it.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to live in an environment where writing was possible again. But unfortunately, some roads just inevitably close off and I will never go down them again - like music composition. Some of them I've tried to forcibly close off, like modding, but I end up coming back because they were a core of what I was.
As much time as I spent on writing, I don't think I will ever write again. If I did, I would end up very largely revising the revision of TOA and essentially burning away 10 years of work again.
So instead my thoughts turn to the likes of Retribution where I face the problem of fighting unbearable exhaustion day by day. Instead of you, however, 23 of those 24 hours go into doing nothing but staring at a wall and listening to the same piece of music or watching the same video on repeat forever. I become trapped in time and lose myself. It's not bad in itself, but time is slipping away day by day.
Fuck youtube, too. I had overwhelmingly negative responses on my sc2 casts on any place they ever got linked. Every time I had a link on reddit from a random I was banning dozens of people a day. I mean, I wasn't any good or anything, but it's not like I expected such an immense backlash from a community who never really had *good* casters back then, much less people who produced high quality media to begin with (rofl @ all the people running low settings in sc2 claiming it looks like bw). Simply put, if you don't meet the casual's perfect concept of a caster, you will get a lot of negative feedback constantly. Youtube is a juvenile cesspool and has always been that way, and will always remain that way. Thus, I stopped releasing my content there.
I don't worry about goals. I say, choose a direction and go there. If you don't reach a goal you disappoint yourself, and at least for me, disappointment is a deadly slope of dicks. I try to do at least one useful thing a day. If not, I don't worry about it. Some shit just can't be helped.
Good luck.