Oh Look

It's another one of these contests.

The Wag's Revue Winter 2010 Writers Contest is now open!

A first prize of $1000 and publication in Issue 9, a second prize of $500 and a third of $100 will be awarded to the three best entries. All submissions will be considered for publication.

All three genres (fiction, poetry, essay) will be considered for each prize. The contest will be judged by the magazine's editors. The three winning pieces from the last contest may be read here, here and here.

New to Wag's Revue? All issues of the magazine are available for free in the Archive. In its two years, the magazine has featured new works by Michael Ives, Brian Evenson, Ian Monk, and Stephen Elliott and interviews with such waggish luminaries as Gary Lutz, Stephen Colbert, T.C. Boyle, and Dave Eggers.

The contest closes January 15th. Winners will be announced with the publication of Issue 9 in April, 2011. Additional guidelines as well as access to the Submissions Manager may be found at the Submit page.

We hope you'll share this announcement with others who may be interested and we appreciate your support of quality writing online.

Many Thanks,

The Editors,
www.wagsrevue.com


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I might submit, but I think I'll skip this one. I post because I care. Not that I have a substantial amount of viewers or anything.

Also, can the people who are sending me endless amounts of personal messages on YouTube about getting my videos featured and getting popular websites please piss off? I don't want to be famous kthx.

First String Cheese...

Now lava lamps. I swear after all these late-night adventures involving papers and other assignments at school, I have tons of observations of my lava lamp to write about. I have an old lava lamp sitting on the dresser next to my desk and I turn it on (along with two lamps and a string of these "flower lights") whenever I am in my room for prolonged periods of time. I hate having the main roof light on because they're old incandescent bulbs and they bathe everything in this nasty orange light. With the other lights I at least have a little bit of atmosphere and ambiance. I can't actually focus of write without proper lighting. I also can't function properly if there are people outside my door. If I can hear them, it bothers me and all work comes to a halt no matter how much I'm invested in it. I also only write to certain types of music. Classical, symphonic metal, alternative, movie soundtrack and other upbeat and exciting tunes are easiest to write to. I have two compilations, both over thirty minutes long that have saved me countless times in the past writing. Silence helps sometimes, but only what I have to focus every ounce of my energy and attention on something. Otherwise, music gives me a certain rhythm to my work that I don't get otherwise. I can't work to most songs with lyrics, death metal, power metal, rap, or catchy songs (mostly because I start singing along). Lastly I usually need something to drink (preferably a caffeinated tea) and a small snack (like chips of chocolate or microwave popcorn). I don't end up eating or drinking a lot, but it's good to have it there.

In terms of my distraction and overall lack of an ability to focus, I have determined the cycles of my lava lamp. The first stage involves the heating of a cold, boring wax. The heating mechanism at the bottom (which turns out to be just a coil of metal that heats up because of the light and thus heats the wax) makes the base of the wax glow ominously, giving off limited light. The wax heats on the bottom faster than on the top obviously, so at a certain point the hot, warm wax begins to rise, applying pressure to the cooler wax above. At the proper ratio of heat distribution, the cooler wax will shift and the warm wax will release into what I call "lava lamp puke". The lava lamp literally looks like it is spewing out its innards and strings of wax shoot upwards into intricate designs and structures. Eventually bits of wax will lower and fall down, but for the time being this structure remains. This gives the wax below time to begin heating. Once the bottom has begun to heat, the structure crumbles and collapses and begins to reheat with the rest of the wax at the bottom. At this point the lava lamp enters its most functional stage. The wax rises and falls at regular intervals in smaller balls, creating the image of what most people picture when they think of lava lamps. Over time the wax heats hotter and hotter and the wax begins to stick to the top where the surface of the liquid is. At this point the wax forms into larger balls. Most of the time, a large ball begins to float, rotating near the bottom as hot liquid rises on the one side. This is the planetary stage, due to it's resemblance to planetary rotation (with the bottom being a make-shift "sun"). This rotation is increased with the release of wax bubbles (which look similar to yellow snot). These bubbles have little wax content and occur when air becomes trapped in the lava lamp (which is much the case with mine for it is old and some of the water content has evaporated). Gradually the mass at the top consumes the smaller globs of wax until eventually it devours 95% of the wax. I have dubbed this final stage of lava lamp development the "Lavapocalypse". Occationally the mass will cool enough for the globular beast to fall back towards the heat source, but the heat of the wax will reunite it with the mass at the top. At this point the lava lamp has reached the point of not functioning. To return the lamp to its natural state requires cooling. The entire processes takes about five to six hours.

I fixed a giant plot hole in chapter 8 that I discovered much to my dismay on the train two days ago while listening to some music and gazing out the window trying to ignore how cold it was and the awkward smell radiating off of the person next to me. It wasn't a BO smell, it was more like some sort of spice mixed with apple juice and wet, mouldy fabric. At any rate, I have fixed it and improved upon the dialogue at one of the most pivotal points in the narrative. I also made the situation a lot more dire and tense for one of my characters. Poor Myra.

I began imagining more of the ending as well. I hope this will be as fun to write as it is to think up. I want to be able to put the care and devotion I have for WMRR and put it into other writing projects of mine, including a novella I have in the works for my Fiction Writing II class. I want to be able to get better marks and improve in areas I am lacking. I am super jealous of one of my classmates for getting A's on all aspects of his story and the recommendation to submit. I'm also super proud of him for doing so well. His story was the only one that has actually made me cry in this class. Considering what we write about (with so much sex, violence and emotion), that's quite the accomplishment. Good on you sir. Hat's off to you.

I suppose I should return to writing about Henry VIII, Edward VI and the Protestant Reformation in England now. I managed 1000 words in 15minutes in this post alone. Why the hell can't I do that with a paper? I'd literally be done in 45mins. FML.

Assassin's Creeeeeeeeed

I'm going to squeal like a fangirl for the duration of this entry. Unfortunately, you will not be able to hear it. Or maybe that's good in your case.

I have more than enough topics to rant angerly about, but no, I'm going to do something different. I'm going to talk about them in a happy way to lighten my mood! Like for instance how my professor can't seem to spell my name correctly even though she has a sheet right in front of her to look at! How hilarious is that? I mean I've gotten some fantastic misspellings of my name before, mostly from people who have just heard it and tried their best based on pronunciation. What a joker she is. She must have an awesome sense of humour to say my name wrong in class every time because she never bothered to ask me or correct herself. What a kidder. Even funnier, she misspelled another girl's name! Instead of "Otten", she typed "Otter" (okay that one's kind of funny). Not only that, she's such a wonderful person because she makes due dates on Sundays at noon electronically. I get to get up early on my one day of the week to sleep in and enjoy the lovely morning! I also get a work out as I frantically try to write and edit assignments to hand them in on time. Who needs those extra few nights? Oh and get this. With incredible foresight she decided that it was a good idea to have a 3000 word essay due four days before a huge group presentation. Improving our multitasking skills is obviously on her list. Who needs a social life or some time off or heck, time to work on other classes? I DON'T APPARENTLY AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay that was ridiculous. I shouldn't get so angry, but god. I guess I'm just tired of school. I enjoy some of my classes, but I don't really want to commit anymore. I didn't even study for my last midterm. That said, I don't want to be done school. I don't know what to do after. What do you do with History and English degrees? I keep saying I'll figure it out, but it's not going to be easy. I want to edit and publish and write, but the business is so hard to get into. I need to start getting into programs and working on getting experience NOW, and I have no time. If anyone has any ideas let me know.

Anyway, the prospect of good video games, good books and ski trips keep me in semi-good spirits. I've started my next project for Fiction Writing. I'm doing a novella for after the break. My main points to work on are tone, description, better vocabulary and not using the verb "to be". It's not going to be easy, but it'll give me something to work for.

Oh My God Giez

http://www.tuomas-holopainen.com/main/

Contest contest contest. Why can't I graphic edit or write poetry? I mean I could write a story, but I don't know if I have time. A signed picture by Nightwish band members. That is epic. Tuomas is one of the of the people I REALLY admire as a writer. The writing in his songs is beautiful. I want to enter this contest so bad. I'd never win, but I don't know if I could forgive myself if I didn't. The only other people I'd freak out so much about would be Scott Lynch (author), Neil Gaiman (author), Tracey Yardley (artist), Johnny Depp (don't have to explain that one) and Anne Hathaway (don't have to explain that one either). Just wow guys. Just wow. My English just break. Wow.

SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON

Full Circle

It's a momentous hour (at least for myself and the Freets of course), for I have just written the section concerning the completion of the first CMD (aka Clear Mind Devices). Why is this a momentous hour? Not only is it the device intended to give the Freets the upperhand in their rebellious war, but this is the very event I began with five years ago when I first started writing WMRR back in my high school days. Man have I come a long way. I pulled up the first chapter I ever wrote in the development of WMRR, and it's aweful. My writing and story-telling has improved and I finally have a way to show it. So, as a special treat for my non-existant viewers (apologies to any that actually DO keep up with this blog), I have decided to post segments from both versions. Enjoy!

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Current Version (largely unedited since I JUST finished it):

Ash slipped into the circle and watched as the small, metallic rectangle made its way slowly towards him. Jennifer was the last to look it over when she handed it to Ash. She placed it in his open hand, face was almost reverent. He was shocked at how light it was. He turned the thumb-sized box in his hands, examining the display on the front and the chip with two tiny prongs at the back. He passed it back to Jennifer. She turned it over and activated it. The device made no noise as it glowed with life.

“There you have it ladies and gents,” she said, holding it out for everyone to see. “Light-weight, flexible and virtually undetectable. Three years of research and development and we finally have the final element to win this war. This will give us the protection we need against Popular power. Once we beta test the prototype, we'll have everything we need to make our move this fall.”

“Speaking of beta testing,” Ash started as he spotted Dedrad out of the corner of his eye, “I have clearance to take the CMD on the next mission to see how it performs.”

“Really,” said Jennifer, who didn't look all that surprised.

“For once I'm not messing with you,” he said, holding out the memo for her to read.

She gave the device to Joey, who nodded and eyed Ash with the same disgusted look. She scanned the memo and nodded, passing it back to Ash.

“Well I suppose you'll need to know how to use it then. Honey, could you get the headband for me?” she asked, turning to Joey.

The rest of the research team dispersed to celebrate in another room with whatever wine stores they could dig up. Dedrad joined Ash and Jennifer, picking up the device and examining it himself. He smiled as he ran a finger over the top of it.

“Did you talk to Poten?” asked Ash under his breath to Dedrad.

“No, but he wants to see us in an hour. We're supposed to bring the device. He wants to see it.”

“But you talked to Grypt?”

“Yes. He was with Dan, knee-deep in machine parts downstairs.”

“Have you seen Myra?”

“No, I have no idea where she is.”

Ash just nodded as Joey returned with the headband. Jennifer attached the CMD to the side of the plaint, black band. She handed it to Ash, who tested the band's elasticity in his hands.

“Basically all you need to do is place the band around your head with the device sitting in the centre at the back of your head. Once you have it in position, press the button on your right-hand side. It's marked red on there so you know which one.”

“Kind of hard to see the red when it's at the back of my head,” retorted Ash.

“Look before you put it on Ash,” she said, strain in her voice. “Once it's on, you'll be able to feel where to press. We've marked it quite well.”

Jennifer sighed and reached over to sign a paper on Joey's clipboard. Ash pulled the band onto his head and adjusted the device until it was comfortably sitting where Jennifer indicated. Ash shook his head once or twice to ensure the band was secure. He didn't like the constriction. He felt like his head was in a vice.

“Pushing the button activates a connection apparatus with will connect the device to your nervous system. From there, you'll be able to tap into the machine's power,” Jennifer continued.

Ash reached behind his head and felt for the button on its side. He pressed it and felt a minor tingling sensation as the tiny prongs attached themselves to his skull. Ash moved his head around, but felt no tugging or pulling on the area. After allowing the device a moment to warm up, he felt a familiar feed of power surge through his body. It wasn't nearly as powerful as the coffee machine was, but he certainly felt a significant increase in mental and physical strength.

“Could we adapt this so I didn't have to wear a headband? I hate headbands.”

“Well that's too bad,” said Joey before Jennifer could answer. “It was made specially for use on the head. It's the most direct path for this type of energy application.”

“Really? Because I'm fairly positive that humans have nerves all over their body. Though I could be wrong.”

“They aren't adapted to work that way. There's no way to tap into the power. Maybe, within a few more months of research we can, but we don't have that much time on our hands. If you don't like it, don't use it. Just don't come crying to me when Laelaps turn your Mind into pudding.”

“Yeah, then it would leak out of the holes these things are going to be constantly punching in my head. I'm sure there's another way.”

“There's---”

“I know, I know. Lord love a duck, don't give yourself a hernia,” Ash snapped, deactivating the device before taking it off.

He ignored Joey's sputtering and held the CMD out for Jennifer, but she shook her head.

“You're beta testing; you hold onto it. Just don't lose it or break it, or I will kill you.”

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First version (edited many times believe it or not):

Four hours later the project was complete. Ash was incredibly tired after yelling non-stop, chucking clipboards at various people, and bringing about half the technicians in the room to tears. Supervising was hard work.
Jennifer presented the device they had worked so hard on, to Ash. He took it in his hands and studied it. It was small and compact, only being the size of his thumb. It did not look complicated or important, but it was the device that would give them a huge advantage in the war.

“I have to admit, I was worried when the first dozen tests or so went horribly wrong, but now…” Ash trailed off passing the device through his fingers.

“We’ve done some good work sir,” Jennifer pointed out.

“Indeed we have,” Ash agreed. “I would personally like to try our first working prototype. That way I can decide if there needs to be any adjustments from there.”

“I suppose that’ll be alright…”

“Of course it will.”

Ash slipped the device onto his head. The headband supporting it fit snug and secure over his thick, brown hair.

“Wonderful…it’s light-weight, flexible, and if we turn it on,” Ash said activating the device, “it makes no noise and is virtually undetectable. Of course we’ll have to remodel it so that we don’t need the headband. I hate headbands.”

“Whatever you say sir, but for now it’ll have to stay that way. Once we move past the prototype stage, we’ll be able to make modifications.”

“Very well, but I still want to get rid of the headband.”

The technicians began to shut down their workstations and head for bed. It was two in the morning. Ash yawned and was about to head for bed himself when Dedrad walked in.

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Overall, Ash's character hasn't changed all that much. The events have largely since this is almost halfway through the novel rather than at the beginning. Jennifer and Joey are WAY more interesting, I use more sophisticated descriptions (though I still fail quite a bit in that department) and I've worked a lot harder on the little details. The writing still has a long way to go, but what makes me happy is I'm getting better. At least I think I am...God I hope so. I guess you can decide for yourselves.

Steamrolled

Never get plot-related advice from me. It will most likely be useless or random. Or both.

Friend says:
-now how exactly should i have her sacrificed?
Dr. Schwa says:
-steamroller in a football field
-Austin Powers style
Friend says:
-naw, they're on top of a hill at sunset in white linen dresses
-with a rock platform conveniently there
Dr. Schwa says:
-steamroller on a hill over a rock platform
-Austin Powers style

...

Dr. Schwa says:
-you know it's a party when stomach and colon juices, fecal matter and random giblets are involved

My last post was censored by the internet filter at the place I was borrowing internet from. No idea why. Maybe it exploded when it processed the name of the post. I can't even process it. I HAVE been good at breaking stuff lately. In my defence, no one told me the computer at work would crash if I slightly nudge the wires under the cash desk...honestly.

Also, can people stop giving me their colds? I'm getting annoyed with being sick all the time.

Philluppus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohnhem

Aka Paracelsus

I just loved the name. At any rate, I have determined that this fall at school is Erasmus Term! I'm writing at least one paper on him and devising a short story based on one of his written works. This includes the manners of children in a modern-day setting...performed by an adult at a mall. I'm having fun. I figured I needed to get a head start and try harder since my first story was pretty god-awful. I think most of my friends are getting tired of me saying that, so I will say it here for the last time and never speak of it again. I'll fix it one day. I like the idea, though it's difficult.

Also yesterday I picked up "How to Train Your Dragon" and the new Linkin Park album "A Thousand Suns". I love the movie. It's adorable, has a lot of fun scenes, creative (even if it does have some...unViking-like Vikings) and it has dragons. DRAGONS. Yeah. The Linkin Park CD isn't bad. It's weird because two of the songs on the CD would be perfect theme songs for a couple of my friends. It's definitely a different sound, but I don't mind. Some people really hate how they've changed, but change is normal. If they didn't try new techniques and styles they'd end up like Nickleback. OHHHHHHHHH.

I am also not sick anymore. Well mostly not sick. I'm still pretty exhausted, but I feel so much better than the weekend. Pro tip guys: don't get the flu. I find it ironic because RIGHT after I said to someone I don't get flu shots, I got the flu. OHHHHHHHHHHH.

Anyhow, back to work. I have some outlines to produce. OHHHHHHHHH.

Here is a fun video involving philosophy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3QZ2Ko-FOg&feature=related

(I actually don't mind Nickleback. If you only listen to a few songs by them, it doesn't seem so redundant.)

(Also, I don't get flu shots because when my father got one when I was younger, he was bed-ridden for a week...I also never got the H1N1 shot and never got it. OHHHHHHHHHH).